Self Criticism

I often think about the fact that I am not the greatest parent. I know that we are our own biggest critics, but that does not lessen the feeling I get at times that I am failing in the mom department. I see moms on blog land, and amongst my friends who are constantly taking the opportunities to teach their children, to play with them, and to boost their ego. I read books like "The Help" and the character I most identify with in the mom department is Maymoblee's mom. (sorry about the spelling, I actually listened to this book, so I am not sure how it was spelled) I can honestly say that most of the people I know are probably better parents then I am.

I feel lousy about it, and I tell myself that I am going to try harder, do better, stop yelling, spend more time with the kids, and be more consistent in my discipline, etc. Then my kids start fussing at me, and I lose patience, and tell them how terrible they are being. I feel guilt about it, and I pray for help, but I still can't seem to stop losing my cool on a daily basis. It stresses me out, and then I am up after midnight blogging about it because I am obsessing about it, can't sleep, and need journal therapy.

I have been spoiling my kids for so long that we have established a pattern of behavior and interaction that is hard to get out of. They ask for something they shouldn't have, (like too many goodies), I start off telling them no with a smile and a suggestion for something different. They whine and complain. I try to redirect their energy. They whine and complain some more, and I give in, or blow up. It may seem like minor stuff, and we all do it, but it adds up fast, and I feel like we often have more bad moments then good.

I am not even sure why this is weighing on me so heavily, today was a good day. I just feel like there are so many areas in my life I could improve on, and it is overwhelming, most of the time I can't figure out where to start, and feel like I am just not getting it right. How come it seems so easy for other people to love being "mom"? I love my kids. I would do just about anything for my kids. But when asked to answer honestly if I love being mom, I would have to say no. It is not my favorite thing, nor is it something I relish. I do not hate it, but I don't feel like I am particularly good at it, and no one likes things they are bad at. I have a neutral feeling about it. There are days where it is so fulfilling, like listening to my 6 year old reading and knowing I had something to do with that, or seeing my 4 year old accepting and including other kids, or having my messy face 2 year old throw his arms around me. But there are also days where I want to give up and run away, where I wish for my days before children where I got to sleep in as late as I wanted, the only messes I had to clean up with were my own, and if someone talked back to me I could walk away. Responsibility is hard. Sigh.