My Book

I am writing a book, if anyone would like to read it, you can at www.encantenovel.blogspot.com, please comment so I know you have visited. thanks

Self Criticism

I often think about the fact that I am not the greatest parent. I know that we are our own biggest critics, but that does not lessen the feeling I get at times that I am failing in the mom department. I see moms on blog land, and amongst my friends who are constantly taking the opportunities to teach their children, to play with them, and to boost their ego. I read books like "The Help" and the character I most identify with in the mom department is Maymoblee's mom. (sorry about the spelling, I actually listened to this book, so I am not sure how it was spelled) I can honestly say that most of the people I know are probably better parents then I am.

I feel lousy about it, and I tell myself that I am going to try harder, do better, stop yelling, spend more time with the kids, and be more consistent in my discipline, etc. Then my kids start fussing at me, and I lose patience, and tell them how terrible they are being. I feel guilt about it, and I pray for help, but I still can't seem to stop losing my cool on a daily basis. It stresses me out, and then I am up after midnight blogging about it because I am obsessing about it, can't sleep, and need journal therapy.

I have been spoiling my kids for so long that we have established a pattern of behavior and interaction that is hard to get out of. They ask for something they shouldn't have, (like too many goodies), I start off telling them no with a smile and a suggestion for something different. They whine and complain. I try to redirect their energy. They whine and complain some more, and I give in, or blow up. It may seem like minor stuff, and we all do it, but it adds up fast, and I feel like we often have more bad moments then good.

I am not even sure why this is weighing on me so heavily, today was a good day. I just feel like there are so many areas in my life I could improve on, and it is overwhelming, most of the time I can't figure out where to start, and feel like I am just not getting it right. How come it seems so easy for other people to love being "mom"? I love my kids. I would do just about anything for my kids. But when asked to answer honestly if I love being mom, I would have to say no. It is not my favorite thing, nor is it something I relish. I do not hate it, but I don't feel like I am particularly good at it, and no one likes things they are bad at. I have a neutral feeling about it. There are days where it is so fulfilling, like listening to my 6 year old reading and knowing I had something to do with that, or seeing my 4 year old accepting and including other kids, or having my messy face 2 year old throw his arms around me. But there are also days where I want to give up and run away, where I wish for my days before children where I got to sleep in as late as I wanted, the only messes I had to clean up with were my own, and if someone talked back to me I could walk away. Responsibility is hard. Sigh.

Being more than I am

I have found that I am constantly falling victim to the laziness of a plateau. This makes sense in my head so I will try to make sense of it on here.

When I was competing athletically I was never content to be where I was, I constantly pushed to be better, to be more. I had thought I would always do this with my life as well, to never settle for how things are, to find joy in the way things are, but to work towards something greater. In other words, self-improvement, and constant self- evaluation to correct flaws, improve talents, and achieve greatness.

Lately I have noticed that because life is busy (for everyone, not just me), I have been allowing myself to be stagnant. I am not necessarily decreasing in talent or being lazy, but I am not using my time and energies to improve any. I used to read every publication (Ok, this is an exaggeration) about SEO, SEM, etc. Now I am lucky if I catch the headlines. I use to spend my free time trying to learn new things (I even tried a cake decorating class), now I spend it trying to catch my breath. It seems easier to turn on the television or read a book then learn something new. And that is the point. It is easier, but not better.

It can be tempting to give in to stagnation and let yourself just be, but it can also be damaging. I know I am not reaching my full potential, even if I am doing fine. Today, I rededicate myself to seeking more, to being more, to devoting my time and talents to more!

Do you need to know this? No, but it helps me feel like I have to be accountable because it is not just in my head. They say that when you post something on the web, there is no undoing it.

Work, work, work

This week has been great. I have been setting little work goals to accomplish every day, and have been really good at sticking to them. Surprise of all surprises, my house is fairly clean too. Granted I haven't done a lot of cleaning in the basement, and my bathrooms could use a scrub, but all in all I would say it has been a successful week.

I complain on here a lot, mostly because my life is so hard and I have so much to complain about...hahaha, jk, but really, I thought since I had some good news to report I would!

My laugh at my life moment today is about my oldest. He is listening to his iPod (too loud, probably going to go deaf), and he is trying to sing along. He doesn't know all the words though, so it is coming out like this... "Nananana dududududdu my head....nananadudud mamamdididdi around." haha I should post a video.

Debts, what debts?

I know that tax returns are just our money given back to us, after the government had an interest free loan and all of that jazz, but I won't lie, I love tax returns. We are spenders and so we don't save very well. We are getting better, but it is nice to spend the money we work so hard to earn. Anyway, I love tax returns because it is like a savings account for me. We get this big chunk of money back that we may never have saved up on our own, and then we can do something productive with it. It is like, give me $25 a month and I think nothing of it, but give me $300 and I try to do something somewhat productive with it. Apply that to tax returns, (aka, bigger amounts) and you get my happiness.

This year, we used that return to pay for stuff we already bought. You got it. We paid off EVERY debt we have. This included student loans, outrageous hospital bills, credit cards, the works. We no longer have debts. I love that feeling. So I am bragging. It is like starting our marriage over. It is pretty awesome.

Being human I automatically start thinking about all the stuff we have. We have too much stuff. This year for Christmas (yes, I am thinking about Christmas and it is only February) I just want to take the kids on a cool trip. I am sick of all the "stuff" we have in our house. So, I am taking submissions for ideas for cool places to take 3 kids under 7. Of course, it needs to be somewhat affordable since I don't want to rack debts back up. I was thinking Disney Cruise, but am open to something a little more creative.

Happy "Your kids suck" day!

It is Valentine's Day, and I love holidays. I have this habit of going overboard. Since I just got home from a much needed break, and was feeling recharged (yes I think of myself like an electronic device) I had visions of clean rooms, perfectly mannered children, healthy and delicious meals, dancing through my head. Big plans. Breakfast was a success. Kids got off to school happy.

I jumped in my none too clean car (still haven't gotten it cleaned up and it is starting to be gross. should do that, today...or tomorrow) and headed out to get the goodies for the in class party. I was feeling proud of myself. I successfully managed a vacation while keeping work and my family on track.

Ya know how you hate to admit when your parents are right? Well, mine always said not to be prideful, and let's face it, they were right. Just when I start thinking I am awesome, I get a nice blow to that pride. I arrive at the school, bags of goodies, crafts, and activities in hand, and the teacher says, "I missed you at Parent teacher conferences." (I had gone, but spent so long with my other child's teacher that I did not make it to my preschoolers, I figured it is preschool, so oh well.) The teacher continues, "Your child does not pay attention or participate in class. You should consider holding her back a year." What??? My perfect, beautiful, smart, funny little girl? Okay, I can see that, she lives in her dream world, but is that really so bad? I don't know.

My ego is smarting right now. Here I thought I was successfully juggling the being a mom and a career woman, and come to find out BOTH of my kids are having problems at school. I dropped a ball and didn't even know it. Not to mention that my 2 year old is outside without pants on and eating a Popsicle in this 40 degree weather. Guess I better go get him...

Even moms need breaks

So being the busy working mom that I am (I know, I say it a lot, it is because I want sympathy, yes...that is right, give me some sympathy), I sometimes feel overwhelmed. Lately has been worse than usual, maybe because I am not getting enough sleep. Almost completely my fault.

Regardless (not irregardless, I might add, even with sleep deprivation I won't make that mistake), I am feeling a little worn out. And so to remedy that, because that is what moms do, we solve problems, I am heading out of town for a much needed break.

I fully intend to lay around in my bikini, stretch marked body and all, sleep in (Gasp! Yes, that is right, I am going to sleep in rather than try to fill every single moment with activity), over eat, after all Brett won't be there to see my hyper extended girth, I might even do some Karaoke (Do not worry, my account has not been hacked, I am just feeling the need for change.) It will be like Spring Break mom style. My prego sister is coming along, so I am sure it will be a roaring good time, totally vanilla style. Sigh...

I had this big plan of having all the laundry done, and laying out clothes for the kids for every day I was gone, preparing meals so all my husband, friends, and family who will be watching my kids have to do is pull it out and heat it up, I even thought about trying to vacuum out my car, but heck, it is cold outside, like in the single digits. So, instead I am in my bathrobe, on here, anxiously watching the clock tick down to when I get a break. lol